The working mother’s nightmare is child-care. At 62, I still suffer from post-traumatic episodes of flashbacks about the difficulty of finding and keeping good caregivers for my children. I’ve blocked remembering just how many nannies/babysitters I hired. I felt like I’d been electrocuted each time one of them left abruptly. A few were actually reliable and didn’t quit without notice; a few had decent cars that did not pollute the car pool line at school; one or two weren’t arguing with boyfriends or estranged husbands. Then there were the others…like Debbie, whose brother-in-law was the head of the Hell’s Angels motorcycle gang. (Hers was the shortest employment tenure) The security of knowing your children are safe and well cared for and the ability to get to your office on time each morning is… well, let’s just say it… priceless!
Featured on CBS Sunday Morning this week was a story entitled, “Boomer Grandparents Play Mom and Dad Part-Time”. Leslie Stahl reported that the cost of childcare often exceeds the cost of college, and boomer parents are stepping in to help. Former President of Wheaton College, Tish Emerson, is now a “granny nanny” (Leslie Stahl’s term, not mine) for twin grandchildren who say she is critical to their lives, taking them to skating practice, feeding them, and offering her apartment for homework time. As a busy college president she says she missed many of these experiences with her own children. Emerson confessed she needs her grandchildren as much as they need her. “It’s a chance to see things develop with your grandchildren you were unable to do with your own kids, working full time. It’s kind of a second life, a second chance. When you are a working parent, time is your enemy. When you are a grandparent, time is different and you are able to be more relaxed.”
Happy Grandparents
Stahl writes in her new book, Becoming Grandma: The Joys and Science Of the new Grandparenting, “The definition of being a grandmother is pure joy, unconditional love. Loving them for who they are not what we want them to be. Not loving them for what jobs they are going to have, just the mere joy of being in the same space with them.”
I’m of two minds after watching this segment. First, I could not agree more that being in the presence of my grandchildren is pure unadulterated joy. I’m also struck by the devotion of Baby Boomers to their children. In prior posts I’ve dubbed us the “Tweener” Generation, sandwiched between parenting adult children and caring for aging parents. Now we are taking care of our grandchildren. I’m a bit in awe of the fact Baby Boomers have been and are caregivers to three generations, sometimes simultaneously.
I suspect, though, caring for this latest generation will be the most fun.
My granddaughter
Our daughter, son-in-law and 8 month old twin grandbabies are living with us. I am grandma and daycare provider while they are off to school and work. Love having them here and enjoying the bonding time with the twins but you forget how tiring and time consuming taking care of babies can be. Still it is a joyful time.
Oh my gosh! Is this full time? How wonderful on one hand and how exhausting on the other. What a good person you are.
Hi Liz, I am not sure if you remember this or not, but back in the day in the 60’s-70’s, I remember my grandmothers caring for their grandchildren so their children could work, and caring for their elderly parents who where in their 60-70’s. I don’t see much change in that aspect.
I will say this about the whole affording of daycare: infants cost around $1400.00 a month per child for daycare- up until they are potty trained by age 3. then the cost is lowered to around $900.00 a month in a suburban city. That’s almost a house payment!
BUT, if you are on welfare, the cost is around $0 to $75 weekly. ONLY the poor can afford to have children and They Do! Lots of them!!!!
Both of my grandmothers help raise non-family members children back in the 40’s – 60’s and my grandmothers where not wealthy.
I am now a grandmother and I am in love with my granddaughter, but I am not going to stay at home to babysit. If my granddaughter had her way, she would move in with me. But, I am also raising my great niece since she was 3 months old, and is now 4, who goes to daycare.
Being a mom again at 53, I have first hand knowledge about the cost of daycare, government subsiding cost of daycare, and I was a caretaker of a 96 year old gentleman up until a week ago. I do a lot of caring for others.
My husband and I paid for my care while I was pregnant with all of our children, out of our pockets. I stayed home to care for my children because the cost of daycare was so astronomical compared to what I could net at the end of each pay period. Plus, there was no way I would put my children in a daycare back in the 80’s. We never went on grand vacations or had fancy expensive cars or the big house because our family was more and is still more important than all of those things.
My daughter would not even consider being a stay at home mom because she likes being around her peers to much. Her bring home pay every week is around $100 after daycare cost and gas to get to work.
The elderly gentleman I cared for paid $86,000 a year for round the clock care, $40,800 a year for his retirement apartment, and has a 63 yr. old daughter who drove him to all of his doctor appointments and paid his bills after she read them to him. He could remember how much money was in his bank account from month to month after his bills where paid! This man planned his old age and how he wanted to spend his last days on earth since he was in his 20’s and saved his money just for that.
Having a child now is a decision for the extended family to be part of since some if not all of the care when mom and dad are working will be put on their shoulders to bare too.
I will say my children are and have been very aware of those responsibilities since they where children and reflect that knowledge in how they have made their decisions in having a family of their own. I have also talked to them from a very early age about caring for their elderly parents, since I have first hand knowledge of going through that with my grandmothers and caring for those who are transitioning from this life to the next, my parents are dead. It’s a shame children are not taught all through school the responsibilities of having and raising healthy children and what it means to be in your older years and needing help with basic daily living.
Thank you so much Lisa for your incredibly thoughtful comment. Such interesting insight into our generation. All the best, Liz
30 yrs ago my mother parented my 3 nieces due to their difficult home life. It was her greatest joy. Unfortunately she forgot to parent me as I grew up and was a psychologically abusive mother to me. She never understood my deep hurt that she could be so forgiving of them yet so cruel to me. I often wonder what life would have been like if she had treated me with the same loving kindness she had for them. Now she has passed and I can never find that peace except in my own heart.
Dear Melinda,
Thank you so much for your honesty. How terribly troubling that must have been. I wish you much peace and acceptance. Liz
Thank you Liz. I am now 66yo, newly divorced & living alone after 33 yrs & going for my PhD in supporting the co-creation of community as we age. now that she is gone we can have the loving & supportive conversations I always wished for. It’s all ok now.
Oh Melinda, thank you for your note. I love your email address. do you have a website?
Thanks Liz. This is my email address specially for Buddhist, uplifting and inspiring posts. No junk here! No, I don’t have a website for this address. However, I do have a site for my In-Home Personal Chef business, http://www.eatrightin.com I specialize in nutritional food prep for aging individuals/families and those with medical & dietary conditions. I invite you to visit the site and see what I do. This is my business that is assisting in putting me through school. Although my feet hurt when I get home, my heart always soars. Be well, Melinda
What a wonderful sentiment. Aging is such a growing field as we crest in that direction.